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| Dear Siong |
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| Dear Siong |
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Dear Siong, Nobody cares for me anymore and it hurts to know that. Siong, and to think that our children used to care so much about us. They think I'm crazy, writing letters to you. They think I'm mad, talking to an imaginary friend everyday. But they don't understand. When an old woman has nobody to talk to, Siong, they turn to the one who loves them most. A forty-year long marriage doesn't end so abruptly just because one of them dies. They think that after 5 years, it should have been enough for me to forget you, but true love never ceases. How can I forget? How can I forget the person whom which I've spent the best days of my life? I can't, and I don't want to. They don't love me anymore, do they? There are 365 days in a year, and the only time they come and visit me is during Chinese New Year. But even then, even then I can see the reluctance in their eyes to even look at me, much less talk to me. The answers I get whenever I ask about something is monotonous, Siong. Even our grandchildren, they don't even greet me when they see me. They just stare at me with eyes full of hatred, and I can tell what they're thinking. They think I'm just an ugly old hag, waiting to die, waiting for you to come back, Siong. Don't think I'm letting my imagination run wild. It's true. They think I'm deaf, and I can't hear a word they're saying, but I know they're cursing me, in their eyes I'm just an old woman who should die sooner 'cos my existence costs them money. Siong, I'm not handicapped, I can take care of myself, I don't have to be put in this nursing home. Care is not just paying money to get nurses to take care of me. The nurses here are cold and unfriendly, they don't show me care or concern, not to say love. Shouldn't love come from the family first? If my own children can't even show me that, how would outsiders be able to? It's lonely here in the nursing home. All the people here are either deranged, suffering from Alzheimer's or simply just waiting to die. But I'm not one of them, I won't die yet. I don't have to be placed in this nursing home. I wonder how often they go visit you, Siong? I know they blame us for not being rich like their peers' parents, for not having enough money or estates for them to inherit. In the today's world, money talks big. Nothing can be free; no one can be without money. Do you remember the good old days, Siong? When we were poor yet happy just to have each other. The feeling of you beside me was enough to make my day. When love was everything, and money was just secondary. Nowadays it's so different. Money is placed above love. No money, no talk. Money may be something, but not everything. We never had to scrimp and save to buy a big house or an expensive car, we were happy in the little flat of ours, and the run-down car. We truly were. Siong, I'm feeling so miserable now. After all that years of hard work, of earning money, of scrimping and saving to see them through the university, all that has gone down the drain. Did we have to? It was the only thing we ever scrimped and saved for, and this is all the return that we get. What made them change? What went wrong? Had we not seen them through the university, would they be well off like they are now? Perhaps it was wrong to educate them, for this is just the thanks that we get? I don't know what to think. Life is so meaningless for me now, Siong. And I can't wait for the day that I can finally join you. But if only someone would be kind to me, to show love and affection. If there only were something to live for, I wouldn't be thinking these morbid thoughts. But all these years of useless searching for humanity in a single soul has finally reached the end. I'm tired; I seek solace in no one at all. All that I hold on to is you and the memories of the beautiful times we spent together. My heart has died now, Siong. But it didn't die when we were struck with poverty, nor did it die when you did. It died the minute our children stopped loving me. |
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